The Phase

 overthinking, confusion, who I am, and what is my purpose in this life. really is there anything like this ''purpose of life' or it is just a philosophical term, overwhelmed by movies. at this stage, I don't know what is am doing, what I have to do, where I want to go, or how to stable myself & my family, day by day condition is becoming worst and worst. I'm becoming lazy, useless, and irresponsible, and want to do some things, but not doing them. not feeling like doing it. I have lost my fourth job also. my sisters are really disappointed, angry, and mad, at me. they lost hope in me. my elder sister is taking care of my parents, she sacrifice many things in her life till now. she is 35 now and not yet married. the second sister is 31. they had many hopes for me, that I will make their life happier, will earn a good amount of money to make their life better, I will take all responsibilities and will take good care of my parents, but till now I have failed to do all these. I don't have a job, just doing some freelancing, running from my responsibilities, away from my parents, not doing anything for their marriages, and not earning enough money to survive also.

Currently, I don't have any control over my mind. I don't know what is going on inside. don't exactly know what to do, where to go, and with whom to talk. I stopped connecting with any of my friends, stopped going anywhere outside, and stopped doing or losing interest in all the things I use to like doing. Photography, sculpting, artifacts, meeting and talking to people, and visiting new places. currently, I lost all faith in myself, have zero confidence, an incomplete man with no good knowledge of anything. not architecture, not photography, not sculpting, I'm finding it difficult to talk to people also. I am getting more and more scared day by day. I have 3 projects in my hand right now. on which I have to work even if I know what to do I am getting confused or unable to take decisions about things. all the time thinking about my family, my responsibilities, and my future. I know that I just have to focus on my work, but that is what is not happening. Every day I am thinking about the girls who came into my life. not that they were my girlfriend or something. they were just friends. every day I am thinking about them and jerk off. I think I am becoming a womanizer. every day I tell myself not to do these things. things like masturbation, testing money on unreserve food, testing time on OTT platforms, not having proper food, and sleeping at any time, but for that instant time I can't resist myself, and after the very next moment of doing those things I regrate it. every day the same things are happening. I became too weak inside. I don't have any control over my heart, mind, or body. some days I feel better and do the proper things and avoid doing unnecessary things. but I am unable to maintain consistency.  I don't want to be alone yar. I want to occupy by work, by good people who can help me, and inspire me. 

I really don't know how to get over it. what should I do, where should I go? I am completely broke. 

one very bad habit emerged inside me. taking things for granted, ignoring things, not giving much attention, and ignoring the details. initially, I started to ignore the unnecessary things which don't matter to me but eventually, it becomes my nature and now I have become soo ignorant that it affected my architectural knowledge. at this time I am finding myself soo incomplete. I am doubting myself that do I know anything about technical things in architecture. also, I am started ignoring small things in day-to-day life also. which is affecting my economical condition. because of this ignorance, I came to this stage where I haven't succeeded in my currier, in my economical condition, my social condition, my family relations. everything is fucked up.

I don't want to talk about it with any of my friends or family, in fact, I don't have any friends with whom I can share this. I had shared this earlier with some of them but it was like just telling your problems to others. no solution came out of it. Instead of that, it became like I am the problematic guy who always talks about his problems. I don't what to be that guy. no one really cares about it. and they are not supposed to. because everyone has their life, and their problems. so I don't want to tell you this anymore to anyone. I just want a solution to this. I am really fed up with this phase of mine. I really want a get over it.